Pet Fun
Page One

Old Shaker Poem

A man of kindness, to his beast is kind,

Brutal actions show a brutal mind.

Remember, He who made the brute,

Who gave thee speech and reason, formed him mute;

He can’t complain; but God’s omniscient eye

Beholds his cruelty. He hears his cry.

He was destined thy servant and thy drudge,

But know this: His creator is thy judge.

Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage this in time, get to an
Oriental rug. Shag is good!

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit
on that lap during the evening.

He won't dare push you off and will even call
you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat
food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser
legs, select colors contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It
is not necessary to do which anything. Just sit
and stare.

For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with
aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a
quick nip on the ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary
to use it. You can change your mind.

When you have ordered an outside door opened,
stand half in and half out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very
cold weather or mosquito season.

If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with
the busy one.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless
you can lie across the book itself.

For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to
dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply.
This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to
distract you. Ignore it.

For people doing homework, sit on the paper being
worked on. After being removed for the second time,
push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils,
stamps -- one at a time.

For people working on computers, walk repeatedly
across the keyboard or lie on top of the monitor with
your tail twitching in front of it.

Hide in the most hard-to-reach places at the first sight
of the pet basket.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are
fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.

Things We Can Learn From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Bond with your pack.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Cats in Physics

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetics
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

How to Photograph a Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8.Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"

16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.

17. Fix a drink.

18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

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