"A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined
the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and frustrating
creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to
grace them with your presence.

What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other
cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for
centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting
the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other
activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to
do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable
thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention. Humans often erroneously
assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of
your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is
usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to
get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this
same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you
want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of
it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you.

They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your
supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice
also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and
small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and
4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this
time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an
incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch
deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to
keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes. Despite your best training
efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious
punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are
likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret
the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these
subtle
but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a
hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand
by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is
divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of
a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts
already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring
cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful
movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:

Cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the
occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals
(birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When
you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your
human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend
mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that
are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect?
They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE
TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining. The day is young. We've got our whole life ahead of us.
And you're inside worrying about a stupid,
burned-out light bulb? 

Border Collie:
Just one. Not only that, but I'll replace any wiring that's  not up to code. 

Dachshund:
I can't reach the stupid lamp!
 
Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
 
Rottweiler:
Go Ahead! Make me!
 
Shi-tzu:
Puh-leeze, dah-ling. 
What are servants for?
 
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!  Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? 
Can I?  Huh?  Huh?  Can I?
 
Malamute:
Let the Border collie do it. 
You can feed me while he's busy.
 
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
 
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
 
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
 
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
 
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, right there...
 
Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?
 
Australian Shepherd:
Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
 
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? Light bulb?
That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Dog Rules:  

1.   The dog is not allowed in the house.

2.   Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3.   The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4.   The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5.   Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6.   Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7.   The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8.   The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

9.   The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.